So I saw people talking on Twitter about a guide to university on the Telegraph website that had been deemed hilariously awful by many. Following the spirit of A-levels results day and remembering how I was pissing my pants this time last year in excitement/nerves about going to university, I myself half wondered if this was a complete piss-take or just a really tragically misinformed load of bollocks. My mind was left bursting with questions: Who is this woman? Is she deluded? Has she ever been to university? Is she REAL?
Some of the things you may need in your university room, according to Rosie Millard.
Before I start to tear apart her piece whilst offering my own sensible (well, realistic) words of advice, I think one of the main mistakes I made before going to university was forgetting that instead of moving into my own penthouse suite, decorated with Cath Kidston tablecloths, fresh flowers and bottles of fine wine, I was actually moving into university accommodation which I also refer affectionately to as my "breeze-block shoebox".
After going to IKEA last week with some of my friends who'd taken a year out (I refuse to call it a "gap year" for fear of summoning images of trekking through Cambodian jungles and getting absolutely lashed on the beaches of Thailand when all it was just working for a year in St Helens - slightly less glamorous), I took a look at one of my friend's shopping lists. It consisted of the usual - glasses, plates, etc but was also followed by coasters, teaspoons and salad tossers?! I think one of the worst mistakes I made was going to IKEA just before I went to university and buying a load of shit I didn't need, just for the novelty of it. You'll use biro pens as drink mixers, drink vodka out of jugs and use one of the thousands flyers you'll be handed out in fresher's week as a drinks mat, that's if you can be bothered.
So here we go:
1. Pack a trunk
Who the hell owns a trunk? Are we all starting first year at Hogwarts? Freshers should take a tip from boarding school veterans. Oh dear, it is immediately evident that this piece was probably not written for me. Fill it with nick nacks and antiques. If you bring antique anything you'll be laughed out of the place, or at the worst have your art nouveau vase shoved up your arse while you're sleeping.
A trunk can also be used as an impromptu chair or table, for when all the new chums descend for drinking games. - Chums? Impromptu chair? Just sit on the floor, it's not that hard. I doubt you'll end up drinking in your room anyway, unless you really hate your flatmates and your friends won't leave your uni room for fear they might have to come in contact with "the posh twats".
What should you do? Bring enough belongings to make you feel at home without totally emptying out your bedroom back home. You don't want to come home for Easter and Christmas and find an empty shell for a bedroom, to then get all nostalgic about how nothing will ever feel the same again, and then sit and cry for hours because you miss "how good the old times were". Not that I ever did this.
Bring posters, cushions and anything else to cheer up the place. You'll end up collecting things throughout the year anyway so when it comes to leaving you'll probably have twice the amount of stuff you came with. Your university room may resemble a prison cell but once you cheer it up with posters/photographs and bits and bots it'll be like a home from home.
2. Avoid obvious clichés
Leave behind anything to do with Che Guevara, or those French Art Nouveau Absinthe/Black Cat posters. Everyone has them.
No one gives a shit. If you like them, put them up. Rather that than a "FRESHERZZZZ 2011" poster plastered on your wall - even if you wouldn't class yourself as a grade A wanker you'll have one of these up at one point, much to your dismay when you look back and think "oh god, I was a dick". I'm not sure everyone has art nouveau posters in their bedrooms either, maybe that's just the über-cultured middle class.
3. Don't wear your heart on your wall
"...keep it to a couple of vaguely interesting pictures and a cork pinboard. And don’t forget a hammer and some picture hooks. "
Again, no one cares. Do whatever you want. Just don't bring a hammer and some hooks. If you hammer anything into your wall you'll get charged at the end of the year for damage costs. I just about got away with using blue tac on my walls and if I left any I had to pay £20 fine to get a cleaning team in to remove it. Remember - make it feel homely but t's only your room for the year - not your bedroom at home.
4. Gap-year conversation starters (my favourite)
Pack that lovely Mexican throw, the baseball glove from your summer in America and the cushions from Bulgaria. Ahh, the cushions from Bulgaria, can't forget those! If you own a Mexican throw don't bring it because you'll only end up vomiting on it, or using it as a fire blanket when you accidentally set fire to a whole chicken at 4am, as you come back from a night out and decide you are the next Gordon Ramsey - only without the adequate memory to remind yourself have something cooking in the oven.
...They will make your room look different, and encourage conversation on something you know about. Something I noticed at uni was that I was one of the only people in my flat who wasn't upper-middle class, and hadn't been on a gap year. I had a lot of trouble bonding with my flatmates because compared to them, I seemed terribly normal. You once went on holiday to Pontins and it was AMAZING because you spent the first night drunk and singing karaoke, then went to Southport Pleasure Beach the next day and vomited on your best friend's brother's friend in the back of a red Fiat? It doesn't seem as great a story if you're telling it to a boy who helped a cow give birth in Tonga or saved some turtles in Barbados. No matter how fun you try and make it sound, you'll just sound boring and shit. And dead common. The horror of it!
I also noticed that people talking about their gap year experiences didn't really give a shit about anyone else's stories, they just wanted to show off. If, however, you did have an exciting experience and your gap year isn't the only thing you talk about throughout the whole year you might want to talk about it but don't go on about it, please. And you don't need to bring photos from it either: chances are as soon as everyone adds you on Facebook they'll be stalking all of your photo albums anyway, to try and suss out whether or not you're a twat.
5. Food
Arriving with just one plate, one fork, one knife, one spoon and one mug sends out the wrong message. - but it also means you'll have less to wash up. Just bring a couple of each, you'll probably smash them at one point anyway. I got a cheap set of pans from IKEA and all the handles fell off within a few months so I borrowed my flatmate's. Chances are unless you live with incredibly antisocial people who get all aggy when you touch their stuff, you'll probably end up sharing things anyway.
A big teapot or an eight-cup cafetière is a good idea too. - it's not. You'll look like a dick.
It is also crucial to have a few recipes, to avoid existing entirely on Cheerios and alcopops - it's inevitable that you'll eat shit at at least one point. Most people put on weight at uni due to excessive alcohol/takeaways consumption - [don't worry, if you're that bothered you can always burn a bit of it off at the gym or have a dance off against strangers in a club because you're too drunk to notice you're a terrible dancer]. If you can't/don't cook much now and you're off to uni in a month, don't expect to suddenly become Delia Smith. If you live with nice enough people you can probably do communal meals and save money on ingredients (and effort!) but if not don't bother. You'll probably get to uni and find you can't be arsed. As long as you can cook a few things - pasta, toasties, soups - and eat a bit of fruit & veg now and again to at least try and protect against the bugs you'll get when you first move in - I was permanently ill from September to February with about 10 different colds/throat infections - you'll be just dandy. If worst comes to worst you'll probably have someone in your flat who likes to cook and if not you'll find cheap places to eat out on a student budget. Check out your Student Union - at Manchester not only are drinks cheap but they do food - wedges, pizzas, curly fries etc and it's £1.50 for soup and a roll - my favourite just-finished-lectures-and-haven't-eaten-yet-so-do-you-wanna-get-some-food-before-I-collapse meal.
(Also keep an eye out at the fresher's fair for freebies. At mine they were giving out free slices of Domino's as well as bags full of Vimto and chocolate. And colanders. You'll never realise how much you need a colander until 9 out of 10 of your evening meals are some kind of pasta dish.)
6. Bed moments
Invest in some proper blankets or Egyptian cotton sheets from John Lewis...a pair of decent curtains will brighten up your room and make it personal . Egyptian cotton sheets, ho ho. If you have a double bed at home don't bother spending loads on a single bed sheet for your uni bed as you might never use it again. They do one at IKEA at the moment in a lovely design - I got a double one for my house next term, and it was £4.99 for a double duvet cover and two pillowcase covers and I think £2.99 for the single one. Really pretty too. You'll probably end up spilling things on your bed/vomiting/leaking various bodily fluids...let's not go into too much detail. I had two covers so I didn't have to do my washing as soon as I changed my bed (you will want to change it from time to time though, even if it's only every few months. You don't want to be really smelly because no one will be friends with you). They were both from my single bed when I was about eight years old but they brightened up my room a lot. Bring your own curtains if you like but as I said earlier, it's not your room forever so don't go redecorating the whole place like you're on DIY SOS. It's never going to look like your dream home - save that for when you're old and have a house of your own.
7. Practicalities (the only sensible one)
Essentials include a corkscrew, extension plug, rubber bands, laundry baskets, a desk lamp and tea towels. - not too sure if you're going to be drinking corked wine but bring a bottle opener at the very least. You might get a notice board included so bring some pins (or just buy them when you're at uni, you aren't going to remember everything and you don't need to bring everything with you originally. *You aren't going to uni in the middle of nowhere and there will be enough cheap places around*). You might only get one or two plugs so I brought two extension leads - they aren't too keen on these in halls but no one need know. Everyone brings them anyway so I doubt they care. Laundry baskets - definitely. You can take your washing to the laundrette in this too. Then again mine got all mouldy and I used a Bag For Life for most of the year which was just as effective. You need to bring your own washing powder too (I used liquitabs because you just throw them in with your washing - dead easy) but many people get to the launderette and realise they haven't got any. If this happens though there will probably be a nice person around who will lend you some, unless you go to a uni full of cunts.
8. Games
With university fees darkening the horizon, you (and your parents’ banks) may not feel like spending a lot of money on going out - you have a trunk and a cafetiere and Egyptian bed sheets but you don't feel like spending money going out? Hmmm.
Pinch the family Scrabble or Monopoly, and also take some packs of playing cards - we aren't on a family holiday in Wales. You might end up playing a game of Monopoly when drunk but you won't stick to the rules and you'll end up losing all the Monopoly money and using the back of it to leave notes on the fridge like "WHOEVER IS LEAVING THE KITCHEN IN A MESS FUCKING CLEAN IT UP" or "Alicia <3 Willy". Playing cards are a good idea though because you'll probably spend a lot of your time playing drinking games. If you really want to gain a lot of male friends/lose a lot of female friends for being a creep you could also bring along a pack of Agent Provocateur playing cards. My flatmate Toby did this, and then spent the whole year complaining about why no girls wanted to sleep with him. Poor Toby.
9. Music
A portable instrument such as a ukulele or guitar is a brilliant accessory. I'd take the piss out of this one but I, myself, own a ukulele. If I brought it to uni however, everyone would want me to play it at every hour of the day so I didn't bother. If you're a budding musician don't leave your instruments at home, just be careful to keep an eye that no one runs off with it them (it happens).
10. Finally, things to avoid
Old school files will make you look sad. Giant pictures of a distant lover may put off a new or current lover. An exercise bike, or other fitness equipment are sure to only sit and gather dust. That's if you don't already look incredibly sad from having a trunk full of board games and antiques in your room. And who the fuck brings an exercise bike to uni? My ultimate advice would to be avoid basically everything in this article, that's if you haven't already died from laughing at the absurdity of this article.
This woman is off her trolley, truly. If you followed her advice you'd be laughed out of halls within a week. Half of the fun of living in halls is living on a shoestring and making do with what you've got. I may have made it sound a bit hellish but it's really not, in fairness I don't think I've ever had such fun in my life and I miss it already!
Also it was only right I added a photo of my room during exam period so you can get a real taste of what a room in halls looks like (complete with ghost foot at the bottom). Yours might be a bit less of a bombsite than mine though because I'm the messiest person alive.
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