It seems I definitely do have social anxiety. A catch-22 if you like, as the main issue I have is worrying about what other people think of me, and making a fool of myself. Therefore when I tried to seek help about my anxiety in the first place I downplayed it (worried my doctor would think I was silly) and made it seem like it wasn't an evil parasitic twin following me around and endlessly ruining my fun and happiness.
I was put on anti-depressants to deal with my anxiety, and I can't really fault them. I needed a quick fix because at the time I finally sought help about my anxiety and went to my GP I felt like a ticking bomb that could blow at any moment. I was permanently anxious and the tiniest thing could tip me over the edge and render me useless for the next day or two. Obviously I didn't expect to be wrapped up in a blanket by my GP and for him to flip head over heels to make me feel less like I was going to blow up every time I encountered a troublesome situation, but the whole "here have these tablets they will make you feel better, now off you go" thing meant that I hadn't really addressed my problems at all, and simply had a quick fix for something that had been bothering me for most of my life, and would continue to so if I didn't do something.
While I feel that being put on tablets helped me out massively, it also drew me into a false sense of security. Anxiety is multi-layered and revolves around physical symptoms (breathlessness, cold sweats, feeling clammy, lightheadedness, butterflies...), thoughts and behaviours. The tablets pretty much eliminated the physical symptoms which made me think that I was miraculously cured of anxiety. Not having the physical symptoms was great, and allowed me to function somewhat normally in situations where I would normally turn into a quivering sweaty mess and want to adopt the fetal position in situations where it would have been a bit inappropriate (buses, lectures, cinemas). However because I hadn't dealt with why I was actually anxious in the first place, the thoughts and behaviours were still there.
For example, things I have problems with:
While I would be able to manage most of these things now I'm on the tablets and am a lot calmer and don't physically feel like I'm going to invert with panic, there is still a mental block - the anxious thoughts are still there, which leads to anxious behaviours. In my case this involves avoiding a lot of situations, then getting really frustrated at myself, and then crying into a pillow once a month thinking the world is going to end.
phone calls; being in quiet spaces; being in places where it's hard to leave without being noticed; getting off buses; having people in the house I don't know; going to new places, doing things on my own; being at the till in shops...
While I would be able to manage most of these things now I'm on the tablets and am a lot calmer and don't physically feel like I'm going to invert with panic, there is still a mental block - the anxious thoughts are still there, which leads to anxious behaviours. In my case this involves avoiding a lot of situations, then getting really frustrated at myself, and then crying into a pillow once a month thinking the world is going to end.
So, I went to the doctor and expressed that while the tablets are great and please can I have some more, I also really want to come off them. Being on tablets doesn't really bother me because simply what I was experiencing before the tablets was hell on earth, but they have made certain parts of my genitals as responsive as a dead fox and also make me fall asleep after one pint. Not ideal. So I decided that I would try out CBT to try and combat the way I think and react to my anxiety, and then attempt to come off the tablets. In my head it doesn't make sense to come off the tablets without dealing with the mental aspect of my anxiety, as coming off tablets to me suggests some kind of end process and considering I panic and hide under my duvet whenever the phone rings, I don't think I'm quite ready yet...
The CBT!
I was referred to Self Help Services (not sure if this is exclusive to Manchester or a national thing) and just had to confirm whether I wanted an appointment and which type of treatment I wanted (online, one-on-one sessions, or group sessions). I was given a practitioner and initially had an hour in which I was able to talk about everything I was bothered about. I was surprised at how easy it was, as I guess the woman was used to irrational anxieties and phobias, so hearing about my thought processes and the things I fear the most seemed pretty normal to her, even if they seem a bit odd to me and other people I've spoken to!
Then over the following weeks (going up to last week) we looked at what goals I hope to achieve, and how I'm going to achieve them. She sent me away with loads of things to read to better understand anxiety and also some information on muscle relaxation and breathing exercises - which I had always been too lazy to do but now I've tried them they actually have worked. Hooray!
I then was told to keep a thought diary, which involves thinking fully about each situation that causes me anxiety, and to identify the thoughts and feelings I have at that moment and to give them a % rating of how anxious I felt (0 being the least and 100 being the highest). I then had to distance myself from the situation, and try and give evidence for and against what I was thinking, which was useful as it taught me to think rationally about a situation instead of in my panicky mindset which is usually along the lines of "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
An example:
Then over the following weeks (going up to last week) we looked at what goals I hope to achieve, and how I'm going to achieve them. She sent me away with loads of things to read to better understand anxiety and also some information on muscle relaxation and breathing exercises - which I had always been too lazy to do but now I've tried them they actually have worked. Hooray!
I then was told to keep a thought diary, which involves thinking fully about each situation that causes me anxiety, and to identify the thoughts and feelings I have at that moment and to give them a % rating of how anxious I felt (0 being the least and 100 being the highest). I then had to distance myself from the situation, and try and give evidence for and against what I was thinking, which was useful as it taught me to think rationally about a situation instead of in my panicky mindset which is usually along the lines of "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
An example:
 |
| (I hope this is actually readable...) |
Now I've started doing this for various situations, I've started to note a difference in how I approach certain situations as I become more aware of what I'm doing and can maintain a clearer head if I do start to panic. I'm really happy with how the CBT is going and finally feel like I'm actually making progress in getting the confidence to confront the situations I have always avoided. Before I started CBT, the only time I really got to speak about my anxiety was to friends or really briefly to my doctor in order to prove myself unstable enough to get more medication (fun fun). Talking is good and all, but actually doing these exercises to combat the way I think about things, and in turn how I react to them seems to be the key to finally sorting myself out.
Next step is to actually implement this into gradually exposing myself to the situations I fear, taking little steps from the smallest worries to the biggest. Eek!
Next step is to actually implement this into gradually exposing myself to the situations I fear, taking little steps from the smallest worries to the biggest. Eek!
